But It is nice, to type in a way that's more uniform, or presentable, I suppose. It's good to have some structure in writing. That's why I continue on.
Let's talk friends.
Mocha Club. I got the internship, which was awesome. I was sold, my metaphorical bags were packed. I just had one month to find housing, and a part time job to pay rent. I prayed, and prayed...and prayed a little more. I had people praying for me. I talked to older people I respected. Everyone said "go". Everyone but two people. My Mom & Pop. . .cool.
It wasn't a "you're our child and what we say goes" situation, by any means. They were just very hesitant. I asked them to pray and not write it off. Days went by, someone offered me a room in their house...door open, bam! I talked to the woman who hired me from Mocha Club, and she said it was super easy to find a job in Nashville. It's a town where people are always coming and going, trying to pursue their dreams. Another door-open?
My parents were coming around. absolutely.
But then, the night I had to tell Mocha Club whether or not I want to commit to this internship, I find out the room I had waiting for me, was no longer open. Door closed. This would mean going to Tennessee homeless and jobless. [Take parents from their newly acquired step forward, and push them back two steps]
I was stressed beyond belief. At what point, to you start to see roadblocks no longer as a test of faith but rather a sign from God?
My friend Marta came over. We sat in my room and discussed everything for what seemed like years. I cried - for a very long time. I laughed a lot too. I can in no way express the inner turmoil I was going through.
Marta and I went through pros/cons, theological debates, & my wants and dreams. We talked until my brain and heart hurt. I lied on my floor, and blankly stared at my ceiling. . ."When did I get that scuff on my ceiling? HOW does one get a scuff on the ceiling? Did I do a handstand with shoes on and hit it? Did I try to underhand throw a shoe in my closet and it got out of control? Probably the former, heck maybe it was a cartwheel, why am I so weird? Why do I even care about that right now. Crap, Am I crazy? No, no -crazy people can't ask themselves that, because it doesn't even occur to them. Or maybe it does, they are just so sure they're not. In which case, you are crazy Hannah. . .Aw, Shoot. Oh, stop Hannah, you're not crazy. Why am I wasting my brain power on shoe scuffs and crazy people. Wait... I am talking to myself, even if it is inside my head. I'm pretty sure that's textbook crazy stuff right there. When's the last time I vacuumed my carpet? I hate vacuuming, but I hate sweeping more BUT. . . I don't mind doing dishes."
Marta would talk, knowing when to not let me be quiet for too long. She knows my weakness in life is that I think too hard about stupid things- in an attempt to push important decisions on the back burner. We ended up falling asleep. Marta's words ringing in my head, "man, I'm glad I don't have to make this decision". It sounds like a rude thing to say in my fragile state, but it made me laugh, and think- I must not be crazy.
I think I was crying because I would be happy to do either one. Go or stay. I just wanted to know which one God wanted me to do. Not knowing is what hurt.
I ended up asking for an extension to give Mocha Club my answer.
I sat down with my parents and we talked about life, God, faith, jobs, money, friends, opportunities and so on and so forth. My dad unintentionally made me feel lower than dirt. I want Mocha Club because of the good they do, but I have ministries in my own backyard that I don't help out with. Tennessee is a new adventure, and New is always more appealing when standing side by side with Old. I say I want God to use me- but that starts at home. Even when home seems boring and routine.
I made the decision to not go.
It was hard, but making the decision was the hardest part.
The next week, I was offered good Nanny job, two weeks after that, I received a new record player (which definitely lifted my spirits, considering my old was was on the fritz). My church asked me to be a leader for our kids club. Brittany moved back from Alaska, I take all of these things as signs from God. I believe this is what He wanted for my life. I now have a good attitude despite not getting a new adventure. Sometimes being faithful to the monotonous road you're on has a more rewarding destination. (I made that up, so it may or not be true. It just keeps my hopes high.)
I feel better about blogging. I think I knew I'd have to talk about Mocha Club, which was overwhelming. Now I can just go on talking about whatever I want.